The fear of losing someone is a very common concern for people. Building a relationship isn’t usually easy. It is necessary to make frequent agreements and sacrifices, in addition to going through multiple moments of fear, anguish, joy, achievements, sadness and pleasure. It’s a roller coaster of endless emotions.
Periods lived together, combined with feelings of love and affection, give rise to fear of losing the loved one and jealousy. Both may look similar, but each has a motivation.
A person who is wedded to both jealousy and fear of losing finds it difficult to have good relationships. Affective bonds are usually superficial or turbulent, culminating in the end of the relationship.
Why are we jealous?
Jealousy is the manifestation of the insecurity of those who are afraid of losing someone they love. The jealous individual usually has feelings and thoughts that lead him to believe in the possibility of the loved one being “stolen” by another.
Along with jealousy, a set of emotions manifest themselves – anger, resentment, fear, disgust, helplessness and hopelessness – and trigger a variety of reactions.
Jealous people can, for example, try to control their spouse’s life, get angry and constantly accuse them of infidelity, be aggressive with supposed “romantic competitors”, punish the partner for having “given reasons” for jealousy and demand demonstrations of love and partner loyalty.
Even if motivated by the fear of losing a loved one, all these attitudes weaken the relationship. The jealous person does not usually realize that he is acting in a dominating or repressive way.
Thus, if he ends up alienating his spouse due to his behavior, he does not understand why. In his mind, he was just doing what he needed to do to keep his loved one close.
Why are we afraid of losing someone we love?
It’s not good to lose someone you love, be it a partner, family member or friend. Moving away from a person we love and want to be close to is painful and distressing. Many suffer only from imagining this possibility.
People are afraid of losing someone they love for a variety of reasons. Not all are related to jealousy. Fear of the future, lack of self-esteem, insecurity about oneself and/or one’s spouse, the desire to prevent suffering or simply the fear of losing such a dear and pleasant person.
The loss of a loved one can prove fears cherished for years, such as “I’m not someone interesting”, “I’m impossible for people to like me” and “I’m destined to be alone”. So, before the breakup happens, people start to worry.
Get caught up in the “is it?” and in the “what if…?” and fail to enjoy the present. Their worry often causes them to focus on insignificant issues and cause the other person irritation and suffering. In this way, the partner himself feels like ending the relationship.
Another very common scenario that is harmful to mental health is emotional dependence arising from the fear of losing someone you love. To make the other stay, people subject themselves to humiliation and restrictions of their will.
Some are also afraid of reliving pain caused by the death of a loved one or spouse. This is a very common defense mechanism that recurs under different circumstances. Because they fear going through the same experience, they cannot relax. Consequently, these people’s relationships are shallow and sabotaged by their own defensive postures.
How long is jealousy acceptable in a relationship?
Jealousy is seen by a large number of people as a way of “spicing up” the relationship or a show of care. Jealousy is proof that the spouse cares, that they want to take care of the other. To feel loved, these people tease their partner and try to get different reactions from him.
These perceptions seem innocent, but they’re not at all nice. It’s normal for jealousy to show up from time to time, especially when the loved one seems to get along very well with someone else. However, constant expressions of jealousy and teasing damage the relationship.
They can evolve into attempts to restrict the partner’s freedom. The jealous person controls where he goes and who he interacts with, in addition to being always worried that he will meet someone else. For example, if a new professional starts working in his department, the jealous person is already thoughtful. Can you be a competitor for your partner’s love?
As jealousy is born out of insecurity, it is not good to feed it.
Fear of losing someone or jealous? Understand this mechanism
You have to understand that it’s impossible to control other people. We can only trust the person we love and believe that he also cares for us. To someone who is jealous, this notion may seem inconceivable.
If someone hits on my partner should I keep quiet? Yea! After all, the responsibility for saying you’re committed and not interested in flirting is his, not yours.
You don’t need to direct your spouse to demonstrate a commitment to you.
Excessive jealousy can end up realizing the greatest fear of jealousy: the distance from the loved one. Nobody wants to have their freedom restricted, especially by someone they love.
How to deal well with the fear of losing someone?
The fear of losing someone has more to do with you than the other person. Your past relationships, beliefs about love, and negative experiences influence how you relate.
You may have unconsciously developed a fear of being alone, a lack of affection, or a jealous personality. So no matter how hard you try, you can’t enjoy your relationships and they end up coming to an end.
For you to lose the insecurities and fears that hinder your relationships, you need to understand that love relationships are unpredictable and uncontrollable precisely because people are like that.
They are constantly changing, so what was a priority yesterday is no longer a priority today. How to control so many transformations? It’s impossible!
Among the actions you can take to overcome the fear of losing someone and also control jealousy are:
1. Talk to your spouse
When there is insecurity about the other’s feelings, the couple should have a frank conversation with each other. In it, they must express the desire to prolong the courtship or marriage.
If one partner is in doubt about his feelings but still wants to give the relationship a second chance, both spouses can work toward it. In fact, couple therapy can help the couple to live in harmony and relive the passion.
What if there is no interest from both or one of the parties?
In this case, the best solution is usually separation. The fear of losing someone or being alone sometimes cloud the judgment of people in this situation. So they remain in an unpleasant relationship unnecessarily.
2. Do therapy
Individual therapy can help you unravel why you are so afraid of losing a loved one. To some extent it is understandable to have this fear. When we love someone, we don’t want to live without that person. However, we cannot let this fear rule our emotions.
By identifying the source of this fear in therapy, with guidance from a professional, you can both find ways to deal with it and raise your self-esteem and build your self-confidence so that you don’t rely too heavily on others.
That way, your future relationships will be more pleasant and free from worries linked to the past.
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3. Ask your spouse for therapy
Couples with marital problems can find effective solutions in couple therapy. Lack of communication, feelings of distance from the partner, indifference, neediness, and possessive jealousy can all be discussed and resolved through honest conversations with the psychologist.
For this, both partners must be in agreement with the psychological follow-up. As intimate topics will be discussed in therapy, the couple needs to be comfortable. It’s normal to have a bit of insecurity at first. Talking about emotions, expectations and private moments is not easy for everyone.
When they are willing, spouses relax as the consultations go on and are able to express themselves. When a part of the couple undergoes therapy against their will, there is no comfort, relaxation or desire to talk. Thus, the use is low.
4. Take risks
The best way to face fears is to take risks. It is both liberating and frightening to face hesitation head-on. Fear grows and threatens to get out of our control, but over time it stops bothering us. We got used to it and learned to deal with it.
So, with an awareness of your emotional needs, take small risks.
Donate little by little to your loved one, sharing your feelings, desires and dreams. Be aware that she may or may not respond to your emotions in the desired way. It leaves her free to express herself and be who she is, without fear that she might suddenly change her mind.
To love is to trust. If you don’t trust your partner, how can your relationship work? It’s painful to suffer a disappointment in love or to lose someone you love, but it’s just as painful to stop living in fear of something bad happening.
