How to control jealousy in the relationship is always a controversial issue. Regardless of age, couples are often faced with this controversial feeling.
Some factors present in society make it difficult to fight jealousy. For example, expressions of feeling are still often seen as romantic gestures when, in fact, there are healthier ways to express love.
The extremely jealous person either doesn’t trust their partner enough or has low self-esteem. She seeks to sabotage any possibility of her partner finding someone else because, in her mind, single individuals are a threat.
Jealousy is actually a sign of insecurity.
This controlling behavior generates frequent fights and arguments, eroding the relationship. Furthermore, exaggerated jealousy is harmful to the individual who feels it. This feeling encourages anxiety, distrust, and anger.
After all, what is jealousy?
According to Psychologist Sandra Quero, jealousy is a very difficult feeling to control and it appears for several reasons. It can be jealousy of the boyfriend, of a friend or even of the brother.’
Despite being very unpleasant, it is a natural feeling of human beings, but, depending on the case, it can be at an exaggerated level, causing a pathological jealousy, which requires the help of a psychologist.⠀
Jealousy comes as a warning sign, when we believe that something is not going well or as we wish.’
It can be a real problem or only present in the imagination. It’s just part of our instinct to want to eliminate any and all threats that make us insecure, unprotected or at a disadvantage.”
So how do you keep jealousy under control?
Tips on how to control jealousy
First, reflect on the factors that tend to arouse jealousy.
If you are jealous when your partner interacts with other people or attends social engagements without you, you are likely to suffer from excessive jealousy.
The case is especially complicated when you feel jealous of friends and family, with whom your partner lives almost daily.
After doing this exercise, it will be easier to identify which aspects of your behavior should be worked on. Then link them to our tips on how to control jealousy!
1. Analyze the reason for jealousy
Ask yourself the reason for jealousy. What is the situation that aroused the feeling? Why are you jealous? Did something happen in the past to make you feel that way today? If there is, it is a question that should be discussed with your partner.
Psychologist Sandra Quero also states that the most common jealousies are those that occur in the context of romantic relationships.
In these cases, the exaggerated desire for possession and egocentric demand typical of all forms of jealousy is added to the demand for a more or less agreed-upon fidelity and the social demoralization that can arise from infidelity.
This situation of continual mistrust creates great emotional tension in the jealous person and their partner. The latter feels harassed, monitored and interrogated most of the time, usually for no reason.’
If there is no awareness that jealousy may be in excess, it is unlikely that the person will seek help. ⠀
Most likely, behind this are distorted thoughts about the love relationship and the behavior of the loved one.
Once this information is collected, it needs to be analyzed. We have to look for evidence that what we think is real or is actually happening.’
As much as jealous people have a bad reputation, the truth is that they suffer and their suffering is real. So if this problem conditions your life to any degree, don’t be ashamed and seek help to control jealousy.”
Would you like to make an appointment with the psychologist Sandra? Click here!
2. Make your intentions clear
Early in the relationship, make your intentions clear. If they have changed throughout the relationship, communicate them to the partner so that there are no misunderstandings in the future.
3. Build trust in the relationship
Do you trust your partner?
If you can’t answer ‘yes’, the best thing to do is talk about it. Explain about the behaviors of the partner that cause distrust, but keep in mind that it is not possible to change people.
All you can do is express your feelings and watch your partner’s reaction.
According to psychologist Hélio Malka, jealousy is a natural feeling in every person capable of creating emotional bonds and it works as an internal alarm, which can be triggered by concrete or abstract, imaginary reasons.
It is related to the fear of losing someone’s attention or even losing that someone to someone else.
First of all, recognize when you are being jealous, believe that you deserve someone to love you and want to be alone with you. Also, learn to trust each other.
4. Keep the dialogue up to date
This tip is a complement to the two previous ones. In addition to making it very clearo What are you looking for in a relationship, talk whenever you feel insecure, after an argument, and also share the good things.
You need to feel that you can open up to him/her. Otherwise, the discomfort in dialoguing may indicate a point to be worked on.
5. Raise your self-esteem
When self-esteem is strong, it is impossible to undermine your security. Also, people with high self-esteem trust themselves. They can distinguish which behaviors deserve attention and which should be ignored, as they know what is best for them.
Although relating is healthy and part of life, you cannot forget who deserves all your attention: yourself. Therefore, work on your self-esteem so that you can also love the person reflected in the mirror.
6. Combat controller behavior
It is impossible to control another’s freedom.
People are different, so they live, think and act differently. When you don’t respect that, it shows that you don’t fully trust your partner.
Therefore, you want to control all your steps. But, think, would you like someone to do this to you?
7. Don’t live in the past
If you’ve ever suffered a betrayal, it’s normal to have some fears. However, at some point, you will need to let go of the past.
Don’t bring insecurities from another relationship into the current relationship. If you have not been able to overcome the trauma and feel that it is a constant negative in your life, have you considered seeking professional help to heal the wound?
8. Rationalize the feeling
When crisis strikes, see jealousy through the eyes of a scientist. Does it make sense not to want your partner to find friends? Everyone goes out to have fun with the ones they love and trust, so what’s the problem? This tip is especially effective for anyone who suffers from recurrent seizures.
9. Learn to show love differently
Jealousy, contrary to what many people think, is not an expression of love. They are a form of possession.
You’ve probably come across stories of couples fighting in a public place out of jealousy. This is the real face of jealousy, unpleasant and self-centered. In contrast, love is gentle, sweet and light.
10. Don’t compare yourself to ex-partners
Just as you shouldn’t fall into daydreams about past relationships, you don’t need to compare yourself to the other person’s ex-partners. After all, each one is each one!
If your partner is with you until today and treats you very well, it is a sign that he chose to be with you because he likes your personality.
11. Keep an active social life
Many people get so involved with the relationship that they neglect friends and family as well as failing to do what they love to live in order to please their partner. This harmful posture can become toxic. Everyone needs an active social life.
12. Strengthen your self-love
Once again, the importance of loving yourself above all is reinforced. This is not about narcissism or self-centeredness, but about self-respect. Remember every day how important you are to this world and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
13. Seek therapy
According to the psychologist and psychoanalyst Giselle Ladeia, Freud divided jealousy into three levels: competitive/normal, projected and delusional.
Thus, each level has a different degree of intensity and emotional mechanisms involved, and may even have an unhealthy character in the most serious conditions.
For Freud, jealousy is mainly composed of grief and suffering caused by the thought of losing the loved object, and the narcissistic wound, feelings of enmity against the successful rival and a greater or lesser amount of self-criticism.
In this sense, there are several sufferings involved, such as: the loss of the loved object, which generates the pain of grief. There is also narcissistic pain, facing the idea that one is not as indispensable to the loved one as was thought (older children, for example, with the arrival of a younger brother, is quite common!).
For Freud, there is no one who has not already felt jealousy!
Jealousy becomes pathological when the individual elaborates his conflicts. Psychotherapy is a tool that helps in the process of elaborating internal conflicts that impact our ways of relating!
Couple therapy can be an alternative to relationships stifled by jealousy. As the feeling grows, it can be difficult to completely extinguish it.
In the same way, therapy can help you, as an individual, find the self-confidence you need to finally learn how to control jealousy.