(My answer will be in a gender structure that answers the question; for most parts of it you can switch it around and it should still be valid.)
Not because you are nice, but because you are ugly.
Nice guys are not friendzoned, unattractive guys are. To be more specific, ugly guys are. You are also extremely lonely in the nature that you have had few to none relationships in past. You also are less likely to have an emotional support structure where you could discuss this issue openly without having to use a humourous and pathetic backing of an internet meme. You ask how I know it? Because I am you. I have visited this question often. To read it, to learn from it and to see if I could change. I have thought of sharing my experience here as well, many times. I want to scream and swear and declare that I deserve something that everyone else has. Something that they didn’t have to strive for, something that I would value a dozen times more. But I couldn’t. Because at the end of the day, I know it is me who has something less. It is me, who avoids looking at mirror or getting his photographs taken. It is me who would keep a vague cartoon as my display picture or a group photograph that is barely useful in identifying me. It is me who’s faceless, lacks identify and a backbone.
And please, don’t patronize me with grow some balls and ask her out. You don’t know that we haven’t and you don’t know how much courage it takes for some of us to do it. Sure you have seen rejection in life and that you learnt from it. Most of the rest of us did as well. We learnt that we are not attractive enough to simply walk up to a girl and say “Hey! Would you like to have a coffee with me sometime?” or “Can I buy you a drink?”. We learnt that those lines, they only work if you are physically attractive. If you are too fat or too thin or too short, you can’t do that. So we don’t. The girl we like, we keep our distance. Because in most cases, that is the least hurtful to us. Color us selfish, she doesn’t have a say in this. However sometimes, it is just not possible. She is either our colleague that we have to work with every day or classmate whom we are connected to because of our mutual friends. We would give that sheepish awkward smile that you secret call creepy behind our backs. Or may be not. We don’t know. We have been burned too many times to not assume that you probably do.
Then sometimes, you would need someone to help you out with something. You would approach that random friend that seems to be no fun hanging out but is known to have some tech skills or math skills or physics fundamentals. You probably spend some time with him and you see that we might not be that boring. OK, that’s awesome. On the other end, the poor guy – he’s already confused. He doesn’t know that you approached us because you might possibly like us or was it because you just wanted the problem solved. He will be highly and utterly pessimistic on the outside. He has to. That’s his only way to defend the tiniest peace of self-respect he has in these manners in front of his guy friends who are already winking him every time they see. On the inside, there is this speck of optimism. Everyone has it. It is derived from a common human tendency to over-estimate the chances of success of one’s own self while underestimating those of all others. And it is multiplied by the hundreds of romantic movies that he is aware of. I fucking hate romantic movies. They show that if you are good at heart and at your deeds, you will eventually be happy. That’s a huge frigging lie. Everybody is the very same at heart, we are just not the same in body. And you know, it hurts to be on the negative side. It is like a constant nail stabbed in your chest. You realize the pain the first time you see you are perceived less attractive than others and from then onwards you just try to make up for it. So you know, some of us try harder because we cannot have anything any other way.
And this brings me to this point, the nice guy friend (TM) with an agenda is not any different from the other guys. Everybody has an agenda. May be this nice guy (TM) helps you out and likes you, but he is nice to his other friends as well. He could be extra nice to you, of course. And that’s largely because he’s selfish. He feels happy when he talks to you, when you smile at him. That’s the best he gets anyway. He doesn’t expect any more, he only wishes for it.
Anyway, so moving on in the story. After a lot of such unforced, unplanned and agenda-less encounters he is smitten. Half hating his position and half enjoying it, he can see no reason to not take a plunge. His other safer state of not taking the plunge wasn’t any delightful anyway. So, he does. He thinks a hundred times how to tell her how he feels. How he will be there at every step she needs him to, just like he was in past; how he will support her no matter what; how his true unconditional movie like love will be forever! He unfortunately can’t frame it in a package that is attractive. Had he been a socially declared handsome hunk, a plain ‘Wanna go out with me?’ would have worked, a dreamy writer dude he would have come up with a letter so eloquent and heartfelt that the lady would have cried of happiness and guitarist would have written her a song. What would this guy do? His skills – he does computer stuff or he does mathematics well. Plus he’s ugly. So he, after weeks of planning, decides to keep it as simple as possible. You know why? Because he fears, she will laugh. And point at his face. And laugh some more while she explain to others what he just said. And then laugh some more. She doesn’t. As I said, people are good at heart. Here is what I have heard so far:
- But we are good friends
- Aah no issue. You will get over it in a week
- I don’t date younger people
- I can’t date you! What if it didn’t work out!? We have to see each other for 4 more years in this institute.
1, 3 and 4: You know what they are? They are excuses. And they are fine in their logic. It is just that they are not universally applicable. In fact they are just applicable to people like me. You know why? Because I am ugly. I know for a fact that the lady has broken these rules before and then she broke them later as well. In fact in one of the cases, all of her future choices and interests broke one of her rules. What can I say! If I were a believer in God, I would have blamed him for my mishaps, or asked him for help. I, on the other hand, just want to scream and shout.
2: That hurts the most. It is the expression that discards any possibility as well as makes assumption about how I feel or how I would feel in future.
But I don’t hate any of the girls who friendzoned me. They were honest. I hate that me being honest to myself just hurts. If only I could be better.
There is really only one simple and single reason why so-called nice guys get friendzoned so easily. They treat the woman as a friend rather than as a potential partner. When these guys drop the “I love you speech” you as a woman are like “What. I didn’t think you felt that way about me at all.”
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a nice guy. However, if that’s the only thing you are doing and being to your woman then it is not enough. Women generally need three things in guys. A friend, a lover and a protector/provider. Now, the problem with many guys is that they either assume one of these roles or they simply just excel at one of them. If you can be all three simultaneously then you are on a good path to making your woman happy.
As a friend you need to be the emotional support, the talk buddy, and the guy who helps her in times of need whatever that may be. As a lover you are that guy who gives her that thrill of the chase, the friendly banter and that flirting. As a provider or protector you are that guy who provides safety, security and stability in the relationship.
Now, the main problem with the nice guy attitude is that you’re simply being too nice. Instead of creating sexual attraction as her lover you hope that you can win her by showing how nice, polite, gentle, reliable and trustworthy you are. But those things come later in a relationship, as does the role of provider and protector.
The mistake that many guys nice guys do is that they are thinking that they are the only nice guys in the world and that all other men are douchebags. The thing is, pretty much 90% of all the guys women meet are generally nice guys. So she has a very a large pool of nice guys to choose from. Only 3% of all the guys actually have the courage to ask her out, flirt with her and so forth. So you really do not have a lot of competition, but you do need to stand out from the rest of all those guys, especially the nice ones.
Another mistake that many nice guys make is trying way too hard to impress a woman. They are afraid to possibly insult her so they won’t engage in friendly banter and flirting. They will not crack a joke because they are worried to appear uncool and offensive. They are also generally worried about what the woman will think about them so they are apologetic for their opinions, their hobbies and their life choices. Especially if she starts showing some resistance and lack of interest.
So why do people refer to nice guys as “beta males” and why is there so much talk about alpha males. I know that many guys despise hearing the term “Alpha Male” and they will then unconsciously assume the role of beta males themselves by thrash talking that type of guy and because they make lame excuses as to why they shouldn’t need to change their approach to women. They start to appear entitled and privileged. They are nice so why should they need to change or have to work for it.
Being an alpha male is not about living the Hollywood picture of a rich and successful guy who is arrogant. Being Alpha means valuing your own time and energy. Holding the key to your own heart and happiness. Having interests and hobbies outside any potential relationship. Marching at the beat of your drums and being the protagonist of your own story.
An alpha male is not the bad guy who wants validation that he has self-confidence. He simply has self-confidence and has no need to prove himself. Nor is he the nice guy who will drop everything in his life in order to be with that one woman and in order to impress her.
He is the type of guy who is unapologetic for his life choices. He is not worried as to whether a woman will like him or not. He interacts with women with the mindset as to whether he will like her or not. He stands by his convictions and his opinions. He is self-confident regardless of how rich he is or what type of job he has, and what status and role he has in his social circles.
He is the man who will is be out with his friends and just having fun without actively pursuing women like many nice and desperate guys do. If women approach him then great. If not then he is chill about it because he is there to have fun.
One of the key differences between a nice guy and a guy who is very successful with women is that the nice guy tries to impress the woman. With the other guy women will do anything to impress him just to be on his waiting list. Because he does not really give an F if he has a girlfriend or not. He becomes a challenge worthy of pursuit and chase.
So where do you begin to change your approach as a nice guy? It’s quite simple. Stop trying to impress women and being worried about possibly insulting her. Engage in friendly banter, flirting and teasing. Make her sexually and emotionally attracted to you before showing how reliable, trustworthy, nice, polite and gentle you are. Those things come later when the relationship deepens.
You market yourself when you approach women. As a nice guy you market yourself as bland, boring and forgettable. Is that the type of person you truly are and want to market yourself as? If you are not that guy then why market yourself that way.